The other day, a friend of mine sheepishly shared a sub-par parenting moment, confessing that she lost it with her son when he wouldn’t stop playing his video game.
As a mother who’s done the same, I understood her reflective shame.
But I also know the bind perfectionism puts us in – whether it’s with parenting, work or any other part of our lives. And the phrase “good enough” immediately came to mind.
Having a Good Enough Philosophy
In the 1950s, British pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the phrase “good enough parenting.” Winnicott reasoned that parents didn’t need to be perfect to raise happy, well-adjusted children. They only needed to be good enough. And with that, the good doctor let millions of parents off the hook.
It’s worth applying Winnicott’s wisdom to other facets of our lives – especially as we enter the holiday season, laden with expectations.
A good enough work presentation beats perfectionistic paralysis.
A 20-minute workout is better than nothing.
And a bone-dry turkey at Thanksgiving is better than not having one at all. That’s why gravy exists.
I’m not advocating we let everything go to pot, tolerate bad behavior from others, or stop working toward what truly matters. By all means, let’s keep reasonable standards in place.
The Dangers of Perfectionism
But perfectionism—setting unrealistic standards for yourself or others—creates unnecessary stress that steals joy from even simple tasks: exercising, meditating, cooking, sending an email, hosting dinner.
Research shows that perfectionism is corrosive. It strains relationships and fuels worry, anxiety, dissatisfaction, and procrastination. High standards can not only delay getting things done; they often stop us from even beginning. Fearing we’ll fail or fall short, we don’t risk starting meaningful projects, hobbies, jobs, or relationships.
As author Elizabeth Gilbert has said, perfectionism is the “haute couture version of fear.”
What’s your new 100%?
Having breast cancer forced me to embrace a good enough philosophy. When I was undergoing chemotherapy, my energy disappeared. So, I began to ask myself: “What’s good enough?”
Ten minutes of meditation was better than nothing.
So was a walk around the block
A quick call with a friend lifted my spirits more than not connecting with them at all.
My mindfulness practice continues to soften my all-or-nothing tendencies. It reminds me to meet myself with compassion when I stumble—and that I can still make progress with a good-enough effort.
As Soto Zen monk Shunryu Suzuki once said: “Each of you is perfect the way you are…and you can use a little improvement.”
To turn the gift of good enough into a mindfulness practice, reflect on the following questions:
What’s one area of your life where ‘good enough’ might be better than perfect?
How has perfectionism stolen joy from something you enjoy?
What would change if you asked yourself, ‘What’s my new 100%?’ this week?”
On My Mind
It’s easy to focus on the reward and outcome of anything we care about — writing a book, going to college, making dinner, or losing weight. But that narrow, future-oriented focus often invites a heap of stress.
Whenever I find myself getting too far out ahead of myself — even when cleaning the house — I return to a soothing process-over-product mindset.
Zadie Smith’s wisdom in her essay Something to Do never fails to snap me out of urgency, self-importance, or striving for the sake of achievement. She writes:
“Why did you bake that banana bread? It was something to do… Out of an expanse of time, you carve a little area — that nobody asked you to carve — and you do something.”
Whether it’s banana bread or finishing this newsletter, approaching the task as simply “something to do” shifts me into the present moment. And the activity becomes its own reward.
I return to the quiet pleasure of merely doing, without the need for accomplishment to validate it.
It’s a mindset worth carrying into the week — and especially the holiday season, when striving can take on a life of its own.
