With social distancing now an eerie and necessary norm, I imagine many of you like me are working from home and haven’t been out of the house much for weeks. Or, if you have, your outings have been brief – standing in well-spaced, six-feet apart lines at the grocery store or to walk the dog. Maybe you’re still out and about working on all of our behalves. If that’s the case: Thank you. Here, in Los Angeles, there’s a collective hibernation going on that has now rippled out to the rest of the country. Throughout, the country and all over the world the coronavirus has changed our social contract with each other. It’s no longer kind to shake each other’s hand. It’s kinder to avoid each other. Empty parking lots are a sign of communal caring. The other day I thought about all the generations before us, who faced difficulties, battling known enemies during war or invisible foes such as COVID-19. I thought about how they responded and how they sacrificed. My mother often spoke about how her parents planted a victory garden during World War II, doing their part to heed the government’s call so food could be more available to others. It occurred to me that our part during this pandemic is to be exceedingly kind and compassionate toward each other. Richard Davidson, mindfulness researcher and the founder of the Center for Healthy Minds, recently wrote in a newsletter that social distancing is an act of generosity. “When we train our lens of awareness on these acts of kindness, we can’t help but be moved by the basic goodness that lies at the core of our actions,” he writes. Holding an intention to lead with kindness first and fear second – or even last – can take many forms. My sister-in-law, for example, has been the source of numerous mood-enhancing memes chronicling our comedic reactions to coronavirus and social distancing. Maybe it’s inappropriate to laugh during a time of suffering. But sharing a bit of humor to lift someone’s spirits is a kind thing to do. And small acts of kindness matter. What’s more, difficult times present endless opportunities to be decent. When you’re at the grocery store, you can put one loaf of bread in your shopping cart instead of two so there’s more for others. When you pass someone – within a safe distance – on the street smile and nod in a “We’re in this together” sort of way. Cook nutritious meals or your family so their immune systems are strong. Get down on the floor and play Legos with your kids for the third time in a day, even though doing so bores you senseless. Many of us are already rising above our anxieties to be kind. It’s good to focus on stories of how people are expressing compassion – whether its New Yorkers putting their children’s drawings of rainbows in their windows as signs of solidarity and hope or churches keeping daycares open for children of physicians and nurses in their communities. Stories like these are evidence of our better natures. The other day a friend of mine shared on Facebook that her 90-year-old father was in lockdown at a nursing home and increasingly isolated. In response, another friend offered that students at her daughter’s school had begun writing letters to nursing home residents so they’d be less lonely. “Would her father like a letter?” she asked. That story is a keeper. In the days, weeks and months ahead as we continue to face the coronavirus, maybe you’ll be creating stories of kindness, too. And, hopefully, years later when you look back on all of this you’ll know you did your part.

On My Mind

For me, few things soothe the spirit like a good poem. Reading poetry in times of distress can transport us out of our work-a-day minds, filled with their worries and ruminations. As you read the poem below, linger over the words and allow the poem’s wisdom to sink into your bones. Do you feel better?
 

Blessing in the Chaos ~ by Jan L. Richardson

To all that is chaotic
in you,
let there come silence.

Let there be
a calming
of the clamoring,
a stilling
of the voices that
have laid their claim
on you,
that have made their
home in you,

that go with you
even to the
holy places
but will not
let you rest,
will not let you
hear your life
with wholeness
or feel the grace
that fashioned you.

Let what distracts you
cease.
Let what divides you
cease.
Let there come an end
to what diminishes
and demeans,
and let depart
all that keeps you
in its cage.

Let there be
an opening
into the quiet
that lies beneath
the chaos,
where you find
the peace
you did not think
possible
and see what shimmers
within the storm.

As a kid, I was raised on a steady diet of educational television – the Electric Company, Sesame Street and, of course, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.   Lately, I’ve been nostalgically obsessing over the reemergence of Fred Rogers in popular culture. First, I watched the HBO documentary Won’t You Be My Neighbor about Rogers’ work as a PBS television icon and Presbyterian minister. Then, I watched A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, the movie about Rogers staring Tom Hanks. I also read the original Esquire article the movie was based upon. Now, I’m reading Kindness and Wonder: Why Mr. Rogers Matters More Now than Ever by Gavin Edwards.    Like I said, I’m obsessing. But Fred Rogers, who modeled compassion and emotional intelligence for millions of young and old viewers for more than 30 years, deserves every bit of renewed attention he’s getting. So, does the essential skill he practiced: loving-kindness.   Aside from being a quality of heart, loving-kindness also is a dedicated mindfulness meditation where phrases of friendliness and wellbeing are offered to others as well as to ourselves. No single tradition, though, owns kindness. And as Mr. Rogers showed us loving-kindness is best practiced when it’s embodied in everything we do. There’s so much I could say about how unkind the world appears right now. But there’s also a groundswell of understanding that’s led to Mr. Rogers recently achieved folk hero status. It’s the understanding that the scales have tipped too far toward mean spiritedness and that we need to weight the scales more heavily toward being good to each other again. If you pay close attention, you’ll see glimmers of this scale-tipping kindness emerging all around you like timid spring flowers.The other day, for example, I saw a woman in Trader Joe’s wearing a pin that said: “Make America Kind Again.” She was the most popular person in the grocery aisle.   In a mindfulness class recently, a classmate shared with the group that the old adage – “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” – was guiding her speech. It’s a subtle act of kindness not to contribute to the negativity that’s already circulating in the atmosphere. Not long ago, my husband began a habit of setting aside all of our aluminum cans, crushing them in the garage and then carting them to the curb in a single bag on trash day so those in need wouldn’t have to root through garbage to find them. This has annoyed me. Cans waiting to be crushed loiter on our kitchen countertop. An alternative solution of storing the pre-crushed cans in a bag in the laundry room blocks my way to the hamper. I realize that my picayune irritation is standing in the way of my husband’s kind gesture. I’ll get out of the way now.   In fact, we can all get out of the way and let kindness flow more freely from us and more readily to us. Kindness comes in so many shapes and sizes that its limitless expression is an act of creativity and a celebration of the human spirit. As the season of giving and goodwill continues and the New Year begins, it’s worth remembering there’s no single day or time of year to be loving or kind. Mr. Rogers was both year round and we can be too.

Highly Entertaining

Many of us are too young to have watched Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood during its amazingly long run from 1968 to 2001. To viewers today Fred Rogers’ slow cadence and gentle manner are almost jarring. That’s, of course, a shame. Aside from the loving messages that Fred Rogers imparted on air, he also showed us how much warmth emanates from being fully present. Watch this video and do the brief reflection Mr. Rogers offers to feel the vibrancy of his kindness. (You also can get a kick out of actor Tim Robbins’ shoulder pads.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Upm9LnuCBUM

Upcoming Classes

If you’d like to learn more about loving-kindness meditation, my UCLA MAPs I Introduction to Mindfulness class series begins Jan. 16th through Feb. 20th on Thursdays from 7 to 9 p.m. in Santa Monica. The six-week series is a wonderful way to begin an mindfulness practice and, of course, learn more about loving-kindness. The class series costs $200 and some discounts apply.   To register for the class go to:https://kellybarron.com/classes/ To read previous newsletters go to: https://kellybarron.com/blog/

Not long ago, a story about basketball star Charles Barkley and his friendship with a cat litter scientist in Iowa went viral. Barkley met the late Lin Wang in the bar of a Sacramento hotel where he was giving a speech. The two struck up a conversation that lasted hours. Then, they had dinner together and talked for hours more. Over the years, the friendship deepened as Barkley and Lin spent more and more time hanging out together. When Barkley’s mother died, Lin flew to the funeral. And when Lin died last year, Barkley gave a eulogy.

It’s certainly surprising that a famous basketball star would befriend someone so far out of the limelight as Lin. And that’s undoubtedly one of the reasons why their odd-duck union captivated millions. But more than that, Barkley and Lin’s story is about a heartfelt friendship – built on time spent talking face-to-face and doing things together.

In the age of social media, full of well connected, but not necessarily intimate virtual friendships, Barkley and Lin’s relationship seems special if not rare.

It’s difficult to tease out the cause and effect social media has on our “real” friendships. Loneliness, though, has become an epidemic in the digital age. And how technology and social media change how we relate to each other isn’t always for the better. (See previous blogs on Loneliness and FOMO below.)

A UCLA study, for example, showed that children’s social skills might be declining as they spend more time on devices and less time interacting with others face-to-face. The study showed that these effects apparently subside if the kids lay off their devices for five days or more.

But another review of 72 studies by University of Michigan researchers found that empathy among college students has decreased 40% over the past 30 years, with the most dramatic changes occurring in the past decade when cell phones became omnipresent. Cell phones have become a ubiquitous presence in our in person get-togethers. Nearly 90% of cell phone owners say they use their devices during social gatherings, according to the Pew Research Center. That’s despite the fact that most of us say using cell phones when we’re together hurts the quality of our relationships.

“Our little devices are so psychologically powerful that they don’t just change what we do, they change who we are,” says Sherry Turkle, a sociologist and MIT professor, in her TED talk:  “Alone, but Connected.”

Turkle has spent 30 years studying how technology is transforming our relationships. More recently, she’s noted the worrisome trend of how technology is making us forget what’s important in life – namely intimate conversations.

“Face-to-face conversation is one of the most humanizing and human things we do,” Turkle says.

Spending time digitally talking to others is quick, convenient and seemingly personal. Most of us agree, however, that it’s a poor substitute for a heart-to-heart with a friend over a cup of coffee or on a long walk.

One of the subtler affects of social media’s relational influence might be that it distorts our expectations of how long it takes for “real” friendships to evolve. Social media instantly connects us to others, but lasting, reliable friendships take time to develop. Close friendships, like a saplings, need nurturing.

Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that you need to spend 50 hours with someone to create a casual friendship; 90 hours with someone to become “real” friends and 200 hours to become close friends.

Metrics like that will likely appeal to digital natives. But it might be more meaningful to be mindful of how much time you spend on social media connecting with digital BFFs versus how much time you spend doing things face-to-face with others. Apparently, we could all stand to socialize a bit more. Jeffrey Hall, the University of Kansas professor behind the friendship research, says we spend a paltry 41 minutes a day socializing.

All of it’s worth an experiment: Try spending more time in the real world doing real things with real friends and notice how you feel. However you feel in the moment, it’s likely that you won’t regret cultivating friendships that have the potential for more intimacy than Instagram. After all, a digital BFF is a poor substitute for a face-to-face friend when you need a shoulder to cry on or a warm embrace.

This blog originally appeared on eMindful.com

On My Mind

Famed relational therapist Esther Perel once asked an audience attending one of her talks: “Is the last thing you do before you go to bed to stroke your phone?”

As the audience laughed, she asked two other questions that silenced the crowd: “Is the first thing you do in the morning to stroke your phone? And are you doing this when someone is lying in bed next to you?”

 “That’s F…cked up,” Perel said pointedly.  “That has to change. This is not O.K.”

Borrowing a term from psychologist Pauline Boss, Perel explained that devoting our attention to our iPhone in the presence of another creates “ambiguous loss” or the sense that someone is physically there, but psychologically unavailable. The term once described relationships with Alzheimer’s patients. Now, it describes all of us when we become absorbed in our cell phones while in the presence of loved ones, friends or even acquaintances.

Perel says the unspoken message of this behavior is that you don’t matter. And I can’t think of anything good that happens when you telegraph to someone else that they don’t matter.

To hear more of Perel’s thoughts about cultivating relational intelligence, listen to her talk at Summit LA18 here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFwWvr1YUjA

The other day I walked across the street and knocked on the door of a neighbor to ask her over for a friendly game of ping-pong. Her partner had died recently after a long battle with cancer and I thought she might like the company. It was a small act of kindness and community.

It also was something that, embarrassingly, I had to prod myself to do. It’s so easy these days to keep to ourselves – busy with work and family and continually entertained by our devices. So much so, that we often forget we live in neighborhoods amongst others. None of us are the better for it.

For decades, sociologists have been concerned about the decline of community and, more recently, the epidemic of loneliness in the U.S. (See previous blog below.)

Ask yourself: Do you go to PTA meetings or neighborhood block parties? Are you part of a civic organization or maybe a book club? Do you vote?

If you answered “no” to any of those questions you’re like many of us who no longer have the inclination to be part of our communities. And that’s a problem.                                                

Years ago, Harvard University Professor Robert Putnam wrote a now classic book called “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Communities.” In it Putnam chronicled waning participation in organizations such as Elks Lodges, churches and bowling leagues as well as diminishing voter turnout. The decline began trending downward after World War II and has continued as we’ve become a more mobile and, perhaps, a more personally distant culture.

Today, nearly a third of people say they don’t interact with their neighbors, down from fewer than a quarter four decades ago. Meanwhile, societal distrust and divisiveness have increased.  Two years ago, the U.S. Congress held hearings on the state of so-called “social capital” or the health of relationships within American communities to launch research into the causes of the country’s fraying social fabric. Shrinking communities not only have profound effects on individuals, but they also have ramifications for how well government and society function.

Above all else, though, lack of community matters because as human beings we desperately need each other to be mentally, physically and emotionally healthy.

Attending a meeting to find out what’s happening in your neighborhood, volunteering at your local school or even taking a mindfulness class fosters social connection that unifies us and forms the foundation of our well-being.

Researchers from Brigham Young University, for example, analyzed 150 studies that tracked social support and health outcomes among 300,000 people. After combing through the data, they concluded that people with strong social ties had a 50% greater chance of survival than those who lacked vibrant social networks. 

Having robust social connections is as beneficial for long-term survival as quitting a 15-cigarette a day smoking habit, researchers concluded.

Our desire to belong is, in fact, primal. There’s a reason why we evolved in tight-knit tribal communities. They helped us survive and propagate. They also brought us joy. And, yet, today the need for belonging often gets short shrift as we battle long commutes, work hard and spend more of our leisure time alone and online. 

One of the striking things I’ve witnessed teaching mindfulness over the years is the sense of community that forms in my classes. Even in silence, there is connection and belonging. Discussions after periods of practice create bonds among group members that lead to personal insights and friendship. At the end of a class series, a common lament from students is how much they’ll miss being a part of the group. 

Mindfulness is fairly integral to creating community – not just in a class setting, but in daily life, too. We can use the awareness we develop through mindfulness practice, for example, to notice just how robust our social connections are and whether or not they need to be strengthened. Mindfulness also invites us to drop distractions and bring our full attention to those we do connect with, deepening the ties that bind us together and creating a stronger web of social support.

While creating community takes a bit of time and intention, it might be easier to do than you think. You could ask a neighbor to go for a walk. You could throw a pot luck or organize a book club. You could go to a PTA meeting and give yourself permission to leave early if you’re too tired after a long day at work. By doing so, you might find a few new friends to share in your life. More than that, you might realize that you’re not alone and that you belong. 

On My Mind

How do you define success? The answer to that question is as unique and diverse as every individual living on the planet is. Every so often, though, it’s worth bringing some mindfulness to your definition of success. How much of your answer is fully yours? How much is influenced by your family, your peers, your culture? To prompt a reflection, read the thought-provoking quote below from environmentalist and Oberlin College professor David Orr. 

“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.”

Highly Entertaining

We’re all connected as the saying goes. And, yet, it’s often difficult to get our minds around such a universal truth until we see it demonstrated. Click on the link below to watch a enlightening video entitled: “How Wolves Heal Rivers.” Next time, when you doubt that we’re all part of each other’s existence imagine you hear a wolf howling.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysa5OBhXz-Q

We live in contradictory times. Thanks to technology we’ve never been more socially connected. And, yet, despite our constant digital contact, loneliness is an epidemic.

Plenty of us feel isolated and blue at times. In small doses loneliness, like hunger, serves as an evolutionary prompt to fulfill a need – in this case for social connection. But there’s more and more evidence that loneliness is becoming less of a fleeting phase that motivates us to go out to dinner with a friend and more of a chronic state that poses serious health risks.

Nearly half of Americans say they sometimes or always feel left out, according to a survey of 20,000 people last year from healthcare provider Cigna. Even more troubling, is that more than half of people surveyed said that no one knows them well. One in four said they feel isolated. It’s not just happening in the U.S. After launching a governmental program last year to combat the phenomena and appointing a rather forlornly named Minister for Loneliness, the U.K.’s former Prime Minister Theresa May said that loneliness is the greatest health challenge of our time.

To be clear, loneliness isn’t about being alone. Just ask any introvert who loves to while away the hours reading a good book or going for a hike alone. Sometimes solitude is a salve for extroverts, too.

In contrast, loneliness descends when we feel rejected, empty and alienated from others. All of which, can happen in the midst of crowded subway or at a party. Loneliness is a complex state of mind that can lead to debilitating emotions such as depression and health issues such as an increased risk for heart attacks, strokes and cancer. According to a study by Brigham Young University, loneliness is on par with obesity and smoking in shortening life expectancy.

Why are we feeling so lonesome?

There’s no single answer. More of us are getting married later. More of us work alone as part of the “gig” economy. Many organizations that once fostered meaningful bonds between us – churches, civic groups, bowling leagues- are no longer as prominent in our lives. And while social media connects us, it also disconnects us. How many times have you felt more isolated rather than less as you’ve scrolled on social media through photos of friends that you’re not with at events you’re not attending?

It seems meeting face-to-face with others would be fix for loneliness. Maybe joining a bowling league, going back to church or starting up conversations with the grocery store clerk are good ideas. Certainly, all of that helps.

But experts say the solution to loneliness is more layered than that. Research shows, for example, that the brains of chronically lonely people have entered into self-preservation mode and are more alert to perceived threats. Lonely people are more sensitive, for example, to negative social outcomes. As a result, social situations can sometimes seem threatening.

The late University of Chicago psychologist and loneliness expert John Cacioppo suggested that one way of helping lonely people is to change their perceptions of others and to enter into reciprocal relationships by volunteering, for example. Being kind to others also helps with loneliness, he said.

The suggestion that changing our perceptions and being kind to others could relieve loneliness led me to wonder whether the mindfulness practice of loving-kindness could alleviate our collective sense of isolation. There’s only a smattering of research that suggests loving kindness practice enhances social connection and none that I know of that relates specifically to loneliness.

But maybe we don’t need reams of data to prove an experiential point. The purpose of loving-kindness practice, which entails visualizing people in your mind’s eye and silently sending them phrases of goodwill, is designed to make us feel more connected. Research shows seven weeks of loving kindness practice increases positive emotions such as hope, love, joy, interest and awe while reducing negative emotions. Experiencing more positive emotions protects us against despair if not against loneliness.

The wonderful thing about mindfulness is that you don’t have to take anyone’s word for it. Experiment with loving kindness on your own. Give it some time and notice how the practice makes you feel. Do you feel more connected? Less lonely? Here are some basic instructions for a simple loving kindness practice that you can do as a stand-alone exercise or before or at the end of a mindfulness meditation. It’s not important you feel anything as you practice. The intention is to plant the seeds of kindness and nurture them through the practice so that they can grow in your daily life and, maybe, make you feel less lonely.

• Find a comfortable chair to sit in. Take a few slow, purposeful breaths. As your breath settles, feel the rising and falling of your breathing in your chest and connect to your heart.
• Call to mind an image of someone you love. It’s helpful if your relationship with this person or being is uncomplicated and easy. You can even call to mind a beloved pet. Silently recite the phrases: “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease.”
• Now, call to mind an image of yourself and silently recite these phrases: “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease.” As you say the phrases imagine yourself receiving them.
• Next, call to mind someone you don’t know well but might see in the course of your day – a store clerk or a neighbor. Connect again with the sensations of your breathing in your chest and silently extend the phrases to them: “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease.”

This blog originally appeared on eMindful.com

On My Mind

The documentary the Biggest Little Farm (now available on DVD and streaming) is worth watching for multiple reasons – for the eyeful of bucolic scenery, for the harkening back to a simpler way of life and for the meaningful lessons on ecology and sustainability. The film’s also worth watching for the subtle life lessons it offers. All of which remind me of the value of practicing mindfulness and, in particular, the value of the attentional stance of observation.

Often, for example, when we’re confronted with a problem we forget to simply observe and allow our understanding of the obstacle to unfold. Instead, we go into reactionary solution mode. Sometimes this yields results. Other times it makes the problem worse.

As farmer John Chester encountered one problem after another bringing his vision of Apricot Lane Farms into being he adopted a different strategy: Step back and observe. It’s inspiring to see the elegant solutions he arrives at using his hard-won strategy. So much so I’ve boiled it down to a formula: Problem + Observation = Creativity.

You can watch the trailer to the film here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfDTM4JxHl8. And if you’re really curious, you can visit Apricot Lane Farms in Moorpark, Ca. https://www.apricotlanefarms.com/

Upcoming Classes

My next six-week series of UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Practices class: Mindfulness in Daily Life begins in Santa Monica begins tomorrow, Sept. 12th at 7 pm. There few spaces open for those of you who are spontaneous. If not, make a mental note that I’ll be teaching mindfulness again in Santa Monica in January.

You can learn more about the class register on my website under the classes tab. Registration for January will open up in November. https://kellybarron.com/classes/