Kelly Barron

Mindfulness in schools, at work & everywhere

Parenting in a Pandemic and Beyond

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A friend and I recently compared notes on how our teenage daughters were faring during the pandemic – which has thrown kids of all ages a developmental curveball.

If you’re a parent, asking about each other’s children has taken on a heartfelt gravity. During the past year, anxiety about how kids are doing socially, emotionally, physically, and academically has kept parents wide-eyed in bed at night and tired and frazzled during the day.

Collective worry over children’s wellbeing, along with a study of the latest science, prompted the CDC last week to release a new report on the safety of in-person schooling, saying it was O.K. with proper protocols. How education plays out across the country will be a state-by-state, county-by-county, school board-by-school-board conundrum.

Meanwhile, many parents have an ambient sense of helplessness on how best to usher their kids through an extraordinary rough patch.

There is one simple, research-backed measure that all parents can take to improve their children’s emotional wellbeing during the pandemic and well beyond. And it’s this: Give your kids your undivided attention.

Before you groan about another bit of undoable, guilt-producing parenting advice, continue reading.

Decades ago, Stewart Friedman, an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School, and Jeffrey Greenhaus, a business professor at Drexel University, conducted a landmark study on how parents’ careers affected their children’s lives. (The study included 900 professionals from various industries between the ages of 25 and 63.) https://hbr.org/2018/11/how-our-careers-affect-our-children

One of the study’s seminal findings was that the amount of time parents spent working versus on childcare didn’t influence their children’s mental health.

What did? How psychologically available and physically present parents were when they were with their children.

If parents were physically present but mentally consumed by their work or, more commonly nowadays, their iPhones, children were more likely to have mental, emotional, and behavioral issues.

Quoted recently in Inc. magazine, Friedman said: “Time and attention are not the same thing; there’s a big difference between physical presence and psychological presence. You can be spending time with people, but if you’re not psychologically present, you’re not doing anybody any good.”

In other words, quality time isn’t a misnomer. And that’s excellent news not just for fraught parents but for everyone. Being more present for each other during times of duress and even when life hums along is an obtainable behavioral choice that can dramatically improve all of our relationships and serve as a source of enduring support.

Being present is a dedicated mindfulness practice. But everyone – even those who never want to meditate – can put their iPhones in the sock drawer now and then.

We also can tell our kids that after answering emails, getting off our Zoom call, or taking some time for ourselves, we will give them our devoted attention. And whether it’s for 10 minutes or an hour, we will make them feel as if they’re the most important thing in the world.

(Image is courtesy of KateMangoStar)

The Echo Pandemic

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A friend of mine works in a state governmental office. She’s one of the many behind-the-scenes essential workers who is quietly making sure people get the services they need during the pandemic.
 
The other day when I asked her how she was doing, she said she was so exhausted she didn’t know. Many among us are exhausted and burned out. Others are anxious and depressed. So much so that some refer to the multitude of COVID-19-related mental health issues as the “echo pandemic.”
 
That might not be news, especially for those of us who are mentally and emotionally suffering.
 
But what is noteworthy is the national conversation we’re now having about mental health, particularly within the workplace. In a recent WSJ article, chief innovation officers at big tech firms acknowledged how they now include their employees’ emotional health among the things they feel responsible for managing. As Carol Juel, the CIO for Synchrony Financial, told the WSJ: “The new approach for CIOs must be technology plus empathy.”
 
Sometimes from the shadows comes light, and as mental health issues become more of a focal point, there’s hope that conditions that were once stigmatized can be addressed and, more importantly, treated. There’s also something decidedly human about discussing these issues within the workplace, which often is the source of many of our mental and emotional stress. All of it holds the promise of changing mental health care for the better.

The realities of pandemic-related stress, employees demand for care, and more compassionate leadership, will compel companies to offer better access and mental health benefits in the future, according to a McKinsey & Co. report on the coming revolution of mental health in the workplace.
 
Companies also have plenty of financial incentive to do so. According to McKinsey, Starbucks paid more for health insurance for its workers than it did for coffee, and the three domestic automakers spent more on healthcare than on steel. Mental health is a huge driver of overall health care costs. According to the American Institute of Stress, between 75 percent and 90 percent of all physician visits are stress-related.

It’s fair to say most companies and health care plans do a terrible job of caring for their employee’s mental well-being. A visit to a therapist is about five times more likely to be out of network and more expensive than a visit to medical doctor, according to a 2017 report by benefits firm Milliman. And that statistical nugget is just one of many showing how current mental health benefits fall short.

We can all hope, though, that one of the lasting trends of this horrible and unrelenting pandemic is a more caring workplace.

On My Mind

 

I’m feeling quite newsy so let’s stay on trend. Another outgrowth of the pandemic has been the explosion of telehealth and non-clinical methods for working with conditions such as anxiety and depression.

Nearly 44 percent of Medicare visits happened virtually this past Spring compared to nearly zeor the year prior, according the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. In the future, it’s just as likely we’ll visit our doctor onscreen as in person.

What’s more mindfulness, which has been moving rapidly into the mainstream, is now viewed as a first-repsonder to these and other issues such as insomnia.

Downloads for meditation apps have soared since the pandemic, governmental agencies such as the state of California list mindfulness as a resource on their COVID-19-related mental health webpages and online mindfulness classes have flourished.

Along those lines, check out my upcoming Unified Mindfulness Class: Improving Life Through Meditation beginning Thursday, Feb. 18th to March 25th from 7 to 8:15 p.m. via Zoom. You can register by clicking on the Classes tab on my website or clicking this link https://www.kellybarron.com/unified-mindfulness/

 

 

 

The Wisdom of Waiting

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“Everyone is just waiting,” Dr. Seuss wrote in “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” saying the most useless place is the waiting place.

Dr. Seuss is particularly poignant now.

We’re all waiting for a cruel winter to end and for a COVID-19 vaccine to go mainstream. We’re waiting to hug and kiss each other again, to travel freely, and to linger in restaurants over dessert.

Waiting is like a screen door that keeps us from going outside, while inside, we sit in frustration and anger about how our lives are on hold.

So much of our existence involves waiting; you’d think we’d be good at it by now. There are rooms, cues, and sidewalk benches to waylay us until the main event begins – until we get called into the doctor’s office, reach the grocery store check out, or the next bus arrives. Waiting is a cultural institution.

Nonetheless, we don’t like to idle our engines. We get antsy for packages to come, for sprained ankles to heal or for employers to tell us we got the job. Technology’s instant gratification and convenience only supercharges our inherent impatience.

The Gifts of Waiting

And, yet, there’s wisdom in waiting. Sometimes, it’s the only sane thing to do. Delays can be providential. And time has a way of honing our perceptions and skills in meaningful ways.

Leonardo Da Vinci started painting the Mona Lisa in 1519, working on it intermittently over several years. It was still in his studio when he died 16 years later. I could go on and on, naming other things –from slow-cooked stews to saplings to teak furniture – that benefit from biding time.

True, the cliché: “Good things come to those who wait” is an annoying bit of insight. It’s like the lollipop you got as a kid after the dentist yanked out your wisdom teeth.

But what if we took the bromide to heart? Could we open to the gifts waiting brings?

Auguste Rodin, the French sculptor who famously molded “The Thinker,” the bronze statue of a man lost (waiting) in thought, said: “Patience is also a form of action.”

Absorb the Details 

We can make waiting active by bringing mindfulness to it. We can notice what having our plans thwarted stirs up inside of us – the rat-a-tat-tat of thoughts of wanting things to be different, the tapping foot of agitation rippling through our body, and the fragments of frustration welling in our heart.

We also can use waiting as an opportunity to explore our capacity for patience. We can feel the steadiness of composure and notice how it differs from the hum of upset that typically plays within us like Muzak when we wait. We can even see if it’s possible to appreciate moments, weeks, or months of downtime.

Jennifer Roberts, a humanities professor at Harvard and an art historian, instructs her students on the value of waiting or, more specifically, “deceleration and immersive attention” through a creative assignment.

Before students write a research paper on an art object, Roberts requires them to spend a painfully long three hours attending to it. Roberts did the assignment herself, staring for hours at John Singleton Copley’s “Boy with a Flying Squirrel.” She said it took her nine minutes to notice how the boy’s ear echoed the ruff of the squirrel’s belly. It took another 21 minutes for her to realize the fingers holding the chain span the same diameter as the water glass beneath them.

More revelations came as the minutes passed, enhancing her understanding and appreciation of the painting. Robert’s exercise isn’t just about art history. It’s also about cultivating a deeper relationship with time and how we can use it more wisely—not to manage it better and get more done, but rather to let periods of slowness inform us. When we use our attention to soak up our experience, we can discover the wealth within our lives.

Doing so contrasts the hurried, get-it-done momentum of much of our daily lives. Sometimes, though, the most worthwhile insights about ourselves, others, and the world around us happen when we’re waiting.

Try the WAIT PracticeTo make a mindfulness practice out of cooling your heels, recall the acronym: W-A-I-T or Watch, Allow, Investigate, and Take a Breath.

  • WATCH the fireworks of reactivity you experience whenever you wait. Does impatience arise when the customer service representative at an airline, a cable company, or the DMV puts you on hold? Are you expecting things to be different?
  • ALLOW whatever is arising to be there. Waiting and impatience are a very human combination. Somewhere out there, others are waiting, too, and feeling just as frustrated as you.
  • INVESTIGATE how the act of waiting feels in your body. Do you clench your jaw and brace your core more tightly as each moment slowly passes? Relax and soften your body.
  • TAKE a purposeful breath in and out. Once, twice, three times. After all, you might be waiting a while.
This blog originally appeared on https://www.mindful.org/

A Dose of Holiday Cheer

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Truth and advertising often don’t go together. But the other day, I received a catalog from a clothing company emblazoned with a slogan I wholeheartedly support.

The catalog’s headline read: “If ever there was a year that needed Christmas, this is it.”

You can add Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and holiday happenings – ranging from drinking mulled wine to exchanging gifts – to the list of celebrations and merriment we all need right now. More than ever, we need a dose of holiday cheer.

How can we be upbeat in a year of such unprecedented calamity? Joy seems to be hiding from so many who are suffering amid an agonizingly long pandemic.

And, yet, even amid difficulty, there’s joy. It’s like the sun – a shining star that only temporarily retreats behind the cloud cover.

Of course, like anything we may have lost – car keys, a favorite scarf, or, occasionally, a child in the supermarket – we might need to look for merriment.

Having a mindfulness practice helps. One of the many gifts of mindfulness is the ability to concentrate on what we deem relevant. And we can make a mindfulness practice out of focusing on the good – whether it quietly arrives when we take our first sip of morning coffee or boldly chases away the cold, filling the room with warmth and wellbeing when we light the fireplace. The more we pay attention to moments of goodness in our daily lives, the more joy we feel. It’s a nifty little formula that has a lasting multiplier effect.

The other night, for example, my husband and I made a rare outing in locked-down Los Angeles to buy a Christmas tree. Getting a tree marks the beginning of the holiday season for us. It’s also a mixed bag of an event with tree trunks that frustratingly don’t fit into tree stands, shedding needles that hide in carpets for months and tree limbs that knock over vases.

And, yet, there’s lots of joy. There’s the convivial small talk with the tree vendor and the back-and-forth teamwork to tie the tree to the car’s roof. There are the Christmas tree lights and ornaments with their small gestures of love and memories. There’s also my ability to savor and take in the happiness of every fleeting moment.

Sometimes, periods of great difficulty can make moments of joy stand out just like a Christmas tree. In times of trial, we might find ourselves treasuring our relationships and appreciating those who support us more – from the grocery store clerk to the delivery person bringing us pizza and packages. It’s worth pausing and reflecting on the things that might get you in the holiday spirit. And, if you’re hard-pressed to find any, here are a few tips on how mindfulness can gift you with more delight this holiday season.

  • Slow Down and Savor: Unlike bold emotions such as fear or anxiety, positive emotions are often subtle. Much of the time, we need to slow down to notice and feel them. And whenever we do, it’s worth savoring them, so our bodies and brains recognize positivity whenever it arrives. Start small by noticing simple pleasures – a warm bath, a gentle laugh, or the cozy feeling of a well-worn sweater.
  • Hang Out with Joy’s Friends: Emotions such as appreciation or gratitude are like a red carpet for joy – they welcome its dazzling appearance. Practicing gratitude not only raises your wellbeing. It also opens your heart to the many small good moments that are available in your life. Beginning your day with a reflection on what you’re thankful for or writing down a weekly gratitude list is a worthy mindfulness practice to feel more grateful and appreciative.
  • Use Difficulty to Highlight the Good: No one wants to experience difficulty or to suffer. But sometimes, periods of difficulty can deepen our appreciation for what might be right or even just okay in our lives. However small it may be, we can direct our attention to whatever good exists and coax joy out of the shadows of hardship to visit us, if only for a few moments.
This blog originally appeared on eMindful.com https://emindful.com/home/

Finding Meaning in Difficult Times

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The other morning I got stuck behind a garbage truck making its early rounds. Realizing I wasn’t going anywhere fast, I took in the sights of my waking neighborhood.

As the garbage truck heaved and grunted, outstretching its metal arms to lift and dump garbage into its gaping trunk, I noticed a pajama-clad mother and her toddler daughter standing on their dewy lawn.

The little girl was jumping up and down, shrieking with delight at the garbage truck’s gymnastics. Watching more closely, I noticed the garbage truck driver and the little girl were playing a game. Between each can, the driver lowered the truck’s metal arms and clapped them in the air, mechanically saying hello to the little girl, who shrieked some more, jumped again, and clapped back.

The garbage truck rumbled down the street, and the mother and the girl waved goodbye, turning to go back into the warmth of their house. I already felt toasty inside.

For a few moments, the horrible news of the world receded, and I found meaning in the connection between a mother, a daughter, and a garbage truck driver.

Could finding meaning in difficult times be so simple? So ordinary?

We find meaning in tragedy by recognizing meaningful moments, says David Kessler, a psychologist and author of “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”

For me, connection with friends, family, and even strangers grounds a whirling, chaotic world and makes me feel a sense of belonging that’s easily lost during difficulty.

For you, what’s meaningful might be something entirely different. Maybe it’s going for walks in nature. Maybe it’s taking action, volunteering for a political cause, or organizing food delivery for the elderly in your neighborhood. Or maybe it’s making a mental habit of finding the good in the bad that matters most.

Whatever it is that matters to you when you pay attention to it, you affirm its importance. And you remember where the meaning in your life lies.

All of this takes a keen eye and a willingness to be mindful. It also requires receptivity.

I could have stewed in my car and impatiently tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I waited behind the garbage truck that morning. Before I discovered mindfulness, I did that and lots of other agitated things. But mindfulness has taught me to slow down. It’s taught me to pay attention to the many ordinary moments that comprise my life. And in doing so, I’ve found meaning even in difficult times.

Here are three mindfulness-based perspectives and practices that can help you slow down and find more meaning in the ordinary moments of your day:

  • Break the Spell: Human beings are habitual by nature. Social scientists say that as much as 40% of what we do is automatic. That’s marvelous. We can brush our teeth or send a text without learning how to do it over and over again. But automaticity vanquishes meaning. Slowing down and doing an activity, mindfully infuses it with fulfillment. Next time you brush your teeth, take your time and notice how the toothpaste tube feels in your hand. Taste the minty freshness of your toothpaste and connect with the act of caring that brushing your teeth confers. When you attend to such small moments throughout the day, it lays the foundation for finding meaning in the ordinary.
  • Mindfully Reflect: Because we’re so habitual, many of us aren’t aware of what brings meaning into our lives. Take a few moments and with pen and paper, reflect and write down the things that make your life worthwhile. Some of the activities that make the list might not be easy or joyous. Caring for a friend who has cancer, for example, is hard and laced with sadness. But it’s meaningful.
Find Stillness: One of the benefits of a daily mindfulness practice is that it quiets the external world. Inside, our minds and bodies it might be very noisy. But by hearing the noise within us, we learn what’s worth listening to and what, in turn, might be most meaningful to us. Thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant, are like an internal GPS, guiding us to our true north.

This blog originally appeared on eMindful.com. To learn more about eMindful’s interactive online and mobile mindfulness programs visit https://emindful.com/home/

 

 

On My Mind

Sometimes instead of searching for meaning, we need a delightful distraction from difficulty.

Fortunately, there are plenty of options. And often the ingenuity and artistry of others lifts my spirits and reminds me of how much beauty we’re all capable of creating.

Take a look at these Bonsai tree-houses and see if you feel the same. https://www.thisiscolossal.com/2012/02/bonsai-tree-houses-by-takanori-aiba/