Two people I know recently told me they’ve closed their Facebook accounts because of concerns about how the social media platform affects mental health – not just theirs, but everyone’s mental health.

Two doesn’t make a trend. But I suspect many more are reconsidering their relationships with Facebook and its subsidiary Instagram after recent revelations about how the social media giant damages mental and civic health.

First in the Wall Street Journal, then on 60 Minutes, and this week in Congressional testimony, former Facebook employee and whistleblower Frances Haugen divulged scores of internal Facebook documents and research showing how the social media giant harms the mental health of teenage girls, pollutes political debate, and rewards invective content.

Facebook has faced such criticisms before and years ago the company acknowledged that passively using its platform increased anxiety. Research also has previously linked spending too much time on social media in general with anxiety, depression.

The bombshell here, though, is that Facebook knew long before we did about some of the ill effects of its products. And, according to Haugen, the company routinely puts profits over public safety.

It would be too simplistic to say there aren’t benefits to social media or to deny some of the inspiring ways Facebook connects us.

But we’ve been here before. Research on the deleterious effects of products – digital or otherwise – lags corporate transparency and consumer demand. And sometimes it does so with disastrous results.

Prodded by marketing and often addictive product design, we gobbled up fast food before we knew it was linked to a spate of health issues ranging from diabetes to obesity. We smoked cigarettes believing they were sexy and cool before we knew they caused cancer. And now we’re using social media without knowing the full impact on our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

The phrase buyer beware has never rung more true. And Haugen is right to point out that unlike other industries – such as tobacco or automobiles – there’s no outside oversight that allows users access to internal or independent research into Facebook’s products or those of other social media companies. We’re operating in the dark.

But as consumers, and especially as parents, we have the power to make choices that right-size Facebook in our lives, regardless of how or if Congress and governmental regulators compel the company to change.

At the very least it’s time to shift the conversation with our kids about social media. Knowing social media isn’t benign, we need to teach our kids about the potential dangers of Instagram and share what the scant research show about how social media can potentially affect them. Just like we talk to our kids about drugs and alcohol we need to see social media as a substance that can be abused. (See resources below. Also, for a look at Facebook’s recently released internal research on how Instagram affects teen girls click here and here.)

We also can begin our own self-investigation into how we use social media and what we model for our kids. Our kids watch what we do far more than listen to what we say.

I’ve written before about how we can use mindfulness to notice whether our interactions with Facebook or any other social media platform add or subtract from our lives. While we’re waiting to see if Facebook grants parents greater control over the content they allow their children and teens to view, we can share with our kids some internal tools to help them self-regulate while online.

We can tell our kids to notice how they feel before, during, and after they use social media. Do they notice a downshift in their mood or sensations in their body that might tell them they feel anxious? Do they have more positive or negative thoughts while online?

Mindfulness isn’t a magic wand and in the face of a social media behemoth such as Facebook, it may seem less magical. And, yet, if we begin to teach our kids to be more aware of what they feel, sense, and think when they interact with social media they’ll be far more likely to create a healthy relationship with it.

 

 

No matter how you look at it, it’s been a slog. After more than a year of the pandemic, many of us are exhausted by remote work and online schooling, around-the-clock parenting or caregiving, and a host of societal and environmental upheavals. More than half of Americans are burned out, according to a recent survey from Indeed, the job aggregator website. Signifying an ongoing trend, the World Health Organization recently recognized burnout as a medical disease, ending 40 years of debate about whether the phenomenon classifies as a distinct condition. How do you know you’re burned out, and what can you do about it if you are? Psychologists and social scientists who have researched burnout since the 1970s define it as a multifaceted syndrome whose hallmarks include overwhelming exhaustion, cynicism or depersonalization, and a decreased sense of accomplishment. Healthcare workers, psychologists, first responders, and teachers are particularly vulnerable to burnout. But so are parents, athletes, and pretty much everyone who puts dedicated, sincere effort into what they do. “Our layperson’s definition of burnout is…that feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted by everything you have to do, while still worrying that you’re not doing enough,” said Emily Nagoski, co-author of the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, in a recent TED interview. Taking time to recalibrate If that sounds all too familiar to you, it’s time to recalibrate. Relieving burnout isn’t as simple as self-care. Taking a mental health day or a long bath is great. But if you’re exhausted and disengaged, you’ll need more support and an intentional strategy to move toward greater well-being. Mindfulness can help in a myriad of ways. Most essentially, becoming more aware of when you’re feeling physically tired, emotionally drained, or disengaged allows you to better manage your stress in the moment before it devolves into burnout. Here are several mindfulness-based perspectives and practices to help you cope: Move your body often and regularly: An fundamental way to move stress hormones through the body and restore balance to the nervous system is to move your body often and regularly, particularly after encountering a stressor. A 2015 study showed that doing cardiovascular exercise reduces psychological distress and burnout symptoms. Other forms of movement help, too. Going for a walk after a stressful day, doing jumping jacks after a difficult meeting, practicing yoga or slow, deep breathing during a lunch break all help signal to the body that the immediate stressor you faced is gone, and it’s okay to relax. Specific mindfulness practices such as a body scan, where you scan your attention from head to toe through the body, bring awareness to areas of tension that may need extra care, and help relax the body. Socially Connect: That pop of positivity you get from chatting with your local barista or a neighbor is significant.  Having positive social interactions is another way we signal to the nervous system that we’re safe. Casual interactions with others go a long way toward fostering wellbeing. So, too, do more intimate encounters with friends and family. Research shows, for example, that hugging someone for 20 seconds or more lowers blood pressure and heart rate and elevates mood. Feel Your Feelings: Challenging feelings accompany burnout, everything from irritability, resentment, anger, and anxiety. When we strive to get everything done or care for others, it’s easy to bypass our own feelings. But emotions are like an internal GPS. They guide us to a deeper understanding of what we need in any given moment. The next time you feel irritated, stop and notice how the emotion registers in your body. Is your chest tight? Is your jaw clenched? Notice what images or mental chatter accompany your irritation. Are you arguing with your boss in your head or criticizing yourself? Becoming intimate with our feelings and giving ourselves space to acknowledge them helps us take productive action to address what’s bothering us. Get Support: Sometimes, we can’t change the things that contribute to burnout – lack of childcare, a demanding boss, or long and inflexible work hours. But we can ask for support from friends, colleagues, and family. We can let our family know we’ve reached our limit and need help cleaning up the house or extra sleep. We can ask a colleague to take a task off our to-do list. If possible, we can have an honest conversation with your boss about how we’re feeling. And when all else fails, we can ask a friend just to listen to us. Engage in a Hobby: Playing guitar, knitting, building a model airplane, or meditating aren’t frivolous endeavors. Hobbies and daily practices such as meditation help us reengage in our lives. They also increase self-efficacy and give us a sense of control over burnout. The next time you feel compelled to cross something off your to-do list, pause and ask yourself whether putting a few more stitches in the scarf you’ve been knitting might make you feel better.  A version of this blog originally appeared on eMindful.com On My Mind The bond between humans and their pets goes beyond words. And sometimes the words we use to describe our deep connection to the animals we love sound trite. So, too, do our attempts to describe the grief we feel when our beloved pet dies. That’s why I still find myself at a loss to describe how I feel after my 23-year-old cat Peter died a week and a half ago. (See Peter at left.) I can only quietly honor the tremendous presence he was in my family’s life, the surefooted friend he was to my daughter, and the marvelous teacher he was to me. Peter taught me a lot about mindfulness as well as many other things. He taught me about beauty and contentment. He also taught me about patience, dignity, resilience, and how to be unreservedly oneself. I truly doubt I’ll know a finer cat than Peter. Though, because of him, my heart remains open to the possibility.

We love grit.

We love stories about people who work hard to accomplish their goals, practice relentlessly to attain mastery, or push through physical pain to win.

It’s human nature to admire the upper limits of achievement. It offers all of us an inspiring perspective on our potential.

But there’s a downside to uncompromising drive and determination. It comes with mental, emotional, and physical tolls.

Those downsides made headlines recently when Simone Biles, the world’s best gymnast, pulled out of Olympic all-around competition. Before that, tennis star Naomi Osaka dropped out of the French Open. Both Biles and Osaka cited mental health as the reason for their about faces. And both have been criticized for their decisions.

The Wisdom of Quitting

But, in dramatic fashion and at a high personal cost, they’ve shown us there’s wisdom in quitting. There’s wisdom in knowing when enough is enough.

Sometimes the wise decision isn’t to go ahead. It’s to slow down or stop altogether. And sometimes, it’s not only okay to walk away, it’s also necessary.

As most of the world now knows, Biles dropped out of the Olympics after a shaky vault, saying she wasn’t in the right mindset. Gymnasts have a word for that. They call it the “twisties” – a state in which muscle memory and the mind-body connection fail you. Suddenly, you’re in mid-air, and you have no idea how to land. The twisties are potentially life-threatening. And Biles knew what was physically at stake for her if she toughed it out.

If we’re mindful, we too can know what’s at stake for us if we push ourselves beyond our limits. We can tune into what our minds and bodies are telling us in any given moment or phase of our lives and know when enough is enough for us.

The Power of Kind Attention

Knowing our breaking point takes kind and discerning attention as well as the courage to say no. Life is nuanced and each situation is different.

Sometimes we need to bear down and put in more effort – whether it’s in our meditation practice, a job, a relationship, or personal pursuit. It’s also meaningful to persevere and grow through difficulty.

But at other times, easing up, modifying our approach, or quitting is prudent. Not all difficulties are avenues for personal growth. Some are just stressful and damaging.

Personal Patterns of Conditioning

Bringing mindfulness to our conditioned patterns can help us strike that ever-changing, just-right level of effort and fortitude.

As recovering over-achiever, I tend to bear down and put in more effort. But mindfulness and age have weathered those sometimes stressful impulses. I’ve gotten far better at modifying my approach when needed and prioritizing wellbeing and joy. I’ve also become a quitter in the best sense of the word.

A small example: A couple of years ago, after recovering from two hip surgeries, I decided to volunteer at a local hospital on the orthopedic wing as a patient care worker. I thought my experience might benefit others.

Getting cleared for the gig took hours of training along with a commitment to a weekly shift. I came to work eager and ready. But within several weeks, I was bored out of my skull. After completing my assigned tasks early in my shift, I spent the rest of my time self-consciously loitering around hospital halls. Lobbying staff for more ways to be more helpful proved unsuccessful. So, I quit, trusting that someone else would be a better fit.

Quitting isn’t always an option and I’m not suggesting people thoughtlessly shirk responsibility. But maybe because of Biles and Osaka, more athletes, along with the rest of us, will prioritize our mental, emotional, and physical health and even our happiness when it feels right to do so.

On My Mind

What’s the difference between hearing and listening? I once asked that question to a group of fourth-graders before leading them in a mindful listening practice. “Hearing is like water falling and bouncing off a rock,” said one boy. “While listening is like water falling and being absorbed by a sponge.” I’ve never forgotten how that wise fourth-grader responded to my question. It’s stayed with me as a metaphorical reminder of how to listen well – with interested, engaged, sponge-like attention. It’s also stayed with me as a reminder of the subtle power of listening – both in conversation and as a meditation on the sounds around us. Listening to Understand Listening is a highly underrated skill. In conversation, we emphasize speaking but it’s through listening that we understand each other better. People who listen well put others at ease, reduce social anxiety, promote more self-awareness and create more clarity, according to the Harvard Business Review. Listening isn’t only valuable in conversation. Listening to the soundscape around us – whether it’s a Pharell William’s song or a car passing below our window – lands us in the present moment. Attending to sound is a dedicated form of meditation, offering us a focal point to develop concentration and connect to the vibrancy of our sensory world. “The richness of life doesn’t lie in the loudness, the boom or the beat, but in the timbre, the variations and the subtle sounds that one can only discern when they pay attention,” says Scott Horowitz, an auditory neuroscientist. Interesting things happen when we listen mindfully. Arguments transform into constructive conversations. Leaders learn from their employees, sparking more problem solving and innovation. And the “music” of our daily life becomes a source of joy and inspiration. Listening as a Mindfulness Bell Many years ago, I attended a poetry reading at the Los Angeles Times Book Fair. As the poet began to read his poem a baby in the audience started wailing. Embarrassed by the interruption, the mother got up to rush the infant outside of the open-air tent. But the poet stopped her and said: “Oh, please don’t take the baby away. A baby’s cry is like a tuning fork for a poet.” There are many such tuning forks for us throughout the day – whether it’s listening attentively to your spouse or to a Blue Jay in your backyard. Here are some perspectives and practices to make mindful listening a part of your daily life to help you enrich your relationships and become more present. Listen to Understand: Author and educator Stephen Covey said: “The biggest communication problem we have is that we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply.” If that sounds all too familiar your listening skills may need sharpening. Instead of plotting your next move, listen with the intention to understand the person who’s speaking. Nod your head and smile. Ask a question or two. You might be surprised how much more interesting the conversation becomes. 80% on them; 20% on you: As Covey says much of the time when we think we’re listening, we’re actually formulating our reply or daydreaming, judging, etc. To quell these tendencies put 80% of your attention on the speaker and reserve 20% for yourself. Notice any mental, emotional, or physical reactions you might have to what’s being said. Notice when you’ve started to plan what you want to say or when you’ve checked out of the conversation entirely and started thinking about what you want to eat for lunch. Open your ears: Often when we meditate we’re given the breath as an object of our focus. But the breath isn’t always a comfortable focal point for everyone. We also experience the world through more than just the felt sense of our breath. Next time you’re seated in meditation, shift your attention to listen to the sounds in your environment and use sound as a home base for your attention. You also can open your ears to everyday sounds to become more mindful in daily life. What do your footsteps sound like as you walk to the car? Can you hear the strike of the keys on your keyboard? How about the sound of your own breathing? This blog originally appeared on eMindful.com On My Mind   People are behaving badly in the almost post-pandemic world. The Federal Aviation Administration reports that investigations into unruly passenger behavior on airplanes have tripled thus far in 2021 from the previous year. More than 3,500 passengers have been cited for everything from refusing to wear face masks to assaulting flight attendants. To keep crew members safe, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) recently resumed self-defense training for flight attendants, teaching techniques such as eye-poking and kicks to the groin to help de-escalate in-flight aggression.  Colleges also are bracing for bouts of binge drinking and rowdy behavior as students return to campuses this fall with pent-up demand to return to normal university life. And “cov rage” has replaced road rage as impatient, angry drivers return to roads. Everyone’s nerves are frayed. Everyone’s exhausted. And when emotions run high, it’s difficult to rein in reactivity. Yet, restraint and responsiveness are skills worth cultivating in an ever-changing COVID-19 world. One of the best mindfulness practices to help you shift from reactivity to responsiveness is STOP, which stands for Stop, Take a Breath, Observe and Proceed. Here’s how to practice STOP the next time you’re frustrated boarding an airplane, feeling overwhelmed at school, or fuming because you’re stuck in traffic: Stop: Stop what you’re doing or what you’re about to do. Take a Breath: Take a full breath. Connect with the inhalation and the exhalation, feeling your breath move down into your belly. Repeat as needed. Observe: Notice what’s happening, inside you and around you. Are you bombarded with negative mental chatter? Is your jaw clenched? Do you feel a surge of anger rising into your chest? If you’re feeling too stirred up, it’s often helpful to turn your attention outward and notice the sights and sounds around you. Feel your feet on the ground. Proceed. Once you feel settled give yourself the green light to move on and respond. And if you’re still reactive keep practicing STOP.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that if she could ask a fairy godmother to give a child one gift at birth, it would be curiosity. Most of us don’t think of curiosity as anything special. It’s like a backup singer to the Beyoncé of our bolder emotions. It’s in the background and easy to take for granted. When we put a spotlight on curiosity, though, remarkable things happen. We make profound scientific discoveries and innovations. Think of penicillin, iPhones, and Snickers Bars We have more pleasant experiences and emotions. Neuroimaging shows that when we’re curious, the dopamine pathways and reward centers of the brain activate. Research also shows curiosity leads to greater happiness, empathy, social connection, and academic performance. Being interested in our moment-to-moment experience can even quell anxiety. “Of all of our human capacities, curiosity is at the top of my list of the most essential,” says Judson Brewer, a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and author of “Unwinding Anxiety: New Science Shows How to Break the Cycles of Worry and Fear to Heal Your Mind.” How Curiosity Quells Anxiety Brewer says our capacity to become interested in our anxiety is one of the most effective ways of diminishing chronic cycles of worry and fear. Instead of getting caught in anxiety-provoking rumination, Brewer counsels his readers to become curious about their direct experience of worry. Doing so not only interrupts habitual patterns, it also offers the brain a reward and widens our tolerance of anxious thoughts, emotions, and sensations. The more we can tolerate the discomfort of our anxiety the less we brace against and the readily it moves through us, bringing the spin-cycle of worry to a halt.  Knowing the different flavors of curiosity Brewer notes it’s important to distinguish between the urgent, need-to-know-now curiosity that often contributes to our anxiety and the wide-eyed wonder that soothes frayed nerves. To stay open and interested, Brewer suggests repeating a simple mantra of “Hmmmmm” whenever worrisome thoughts and agitating sensations and emotions arise. I’ve found it helpful to add a rejoinder to Brewer’s refrain by saying: “Hmmmm. That’s interesting.” Doing so seems to beckon more wide-eyed wonder. You also can use curiosity to guide your attention directly into the physical experience of anxiety, exploring the sensations that accompany it and further disentangling yourself from the mental whirl of worry that keeps us stuck. Do the sensations of anxiety, for example, show up as tightness in your chest? If so, where do you feel the tightness the most- to the right, the center, or the left? (If moving attention directly into the physical sensations of worry is too much you can always shift your attention to neutral places in the body such as the hands or feet or even to the sounds around you.) In many ways, curiosity is the essence of mindfulness. But even if you aren’t particularly mindful or don’t meditate, you can always follow your curiosity to lead you to new discoveries, more joy, and greater ease. All of which makes me want to accept the gift of curiosity and let it take center stage.  A version of this blog originally appeared on eMindful.com

On My Mind Recently I wrote a post about “Rising Above Bias and Extending Kindness.” In the post, I mentioned how inclusivity is a practice. Whenever you begin to practice anything, you’re likely to make mistakes, and I made one. In my post, I used the phrase “confined to a wheelchair.”A very kind and wise friend pointed out to me that: “Many in the disabled community object to this term. They see a wheelchair as a tool for mobility, freedom, not as a place of confinement. Confinement also is regarded as having a negative connotation of requiring containment for the person with a disability, furthering the notion they are “the other.” I’m so grateful my friend took that time to share this with me. I’m the better for it, and I hope you are too. To learn more about “ableism,” or discrimination against people with disabilities or those who are perceived to be disabled check out this helpful link: https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/