Kelly Barron

Mindfulness in schools, at work & everywhere

Finding Meaning in Difficult Times

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The other morning I got stuck behind a garbage truck making its early rounds. Realizing I wasn’t going anywhere fast, I took in the sights of my waking neighborhood.

As the garbage truck heaved and grunted, outstretching its metal arms to lift and dump garbage into its gaping trunk, I noticed a pajama-clad mother and her toddler daughter standing on their dewy lawn.

The little girl was jumping up and down, shrieking with delight at the garbage truck’s gymnastics. Watching more closely, I noticed the garbage truck driver and the little girl were playing a game. Between each can, the driver lowered the truck’s metal arms and clapped them in the air, mechanically saying hello to the little girl, who shrieked some more, jumped again, and clapped back.

The garbage truck rumbled down the street, and the mother and the girl waved goodbye, turning to go back into the warmth of their house. I already felt toasty inside.

For a few moments, the horrible news of the world receded, and I found meaning in the connection between a mother, a daughter, and a garbage truck driver.

Could finding meaning in difficult times be so simple? So ordinary?

We find meaning in tragedy by recognizing meaningful moments, says David Kessler, a psychologist and author of “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”

For me, connection with friends, family, and even strangers grounds a whirling, chaotic world and makes me feel a sense of belonging that’s easily lost during difficulty.

For you, what’s meaningful might be something entirely different. Maybe it’s going for walks in nature. Maybe it’s taking action, volunteering for a political cause, or organizing food delivery for the elderly in your neighborhood. Or maybe it’s making a mental habit of finding the good in the bad that matters most.

Whatever it is that matters to you when you pay attention to it, you affirm its importance. And you remember where the meaning in your life lies.

All of this takes a keen eye and a willingness to be mindful. It also requires receptivity.

I could have stewed in my car and impatiently tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I waited behind the garbage truck that morning. Before I discovered mindfulness, I did that and lots of other agitated things. But mindfulness has taught me to slow down. It’s taught me to pay attention to the many ordinary moments that comprise my life. And in doing so, I’ve found meaning even in difficult times.

Here are three mindfulness-based perspectives and practices that can help you slow down and find more meaning in the ordinary moments of your day:

  • Break the Spell: Human beings are habitual by nature. Social scientists say that as much as 40% of what we do is automatic. That’s marvelous. We can brush our teeth or send a text without learning how to do it over and over again. But automaticity vanquishes meaning. Slowing down and doing an activity, mindfully infuses it with fulfillment. Next time you brush your teeth, take your time and notice how the toothpaste tube feels in your hand. Taste the minty freshness of your toothpaste and connect with the act of caring that brushing your teeth confers. When you attend to such small moments throughout the day, it lays the foundation for finding meaning in the ordinary.
  • Mindfully Reflect: Because we’re so habitual, many of us aren’t aware of what brings meaning into our lives. Take a few moments and with pen and paper, reflect and write down the things that make your life worthwhile. Some of the activities that make the list might not be easy or joyous. Caring for a friend who has cancer, for example, is hard and laced with sadness. But it’s meaningful.
Find Stillness: One of the benefits of a daily mindfulness practice is that it quiets the external world. Inside, our minds and bodies it might be very noisy. But by hearing the noise within us, we learn what’s worth listening to and what, in turn, might be most meaningful to us. Thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant, are like an internal GPS, guiding us to our true north.

This blog originally appeared on eMindful.com. To learn more about eMindful’s interactive online and mobile mindfulness programs visit https://emindful.com/home/

 

 

On My Mind

Sometimes instead of searching for meaning, we need a delightful distraction from difficulty.

Fortunately, there are plenty of options. And often the ingenuity and artistry of others lifts my spirits and reminds me of how much beauty we’re all capable of creating.

Take a look at these Bonsai tree-houses and see if you feel the same. https://www.thisiscolossal.com/2012/02/bonsai-tree-houses-by-takanori-aiba/

Giving Thanks in a Pandemic

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The holiday season is upon us and it’s bound to look and feel different than any holiday season in the past.

With new lockdowns, school closings, and warnings from the CDC not to travel, the pandemic still has a firm grip on our lives. Many of us already are lamenting a dreary Thanksgiving and a downbeat to the rest of the holiday season’s festivities.

It’s certainly a loss not to spend time with distant family members during the holidays or forgo beloved traditions.

But I refuse to buy into the dread. Doing so doesn’t serve me. What’s more, Thanksgiving is a pointed reminder to reflect upon – even in a year of tremendous tragedy – what we feel grateful for in our lives.

If you find yourself straining to be grateful for anything this year, be kind to yourself. Stress has a way of narrowing our focus and highlighting the negative.

For most of this year, we’ve been operating on what resiliency researcher Ann Masten calls “surge capacity,” which is the ability to handle what needs to be, power through difficulty, and survive rather than thrive. In a crisis, we run on a cocktail of adrenaline and wits.

At the very least, the holidays give us an opportunity to be grateful for a few days away from our daily grind. And if we use them wisely, we can rest and renew.

A friend of mine takes this opportunity seriously and uses the time between Thanksgiving and the end of the year to create a purposeful blend of doing things she loves, feasting as well as fasting and spending some time in solemnity and prayer. For her, the holiday season is a time of personal and spiritual renewal.

Beyond being grateful for a welcome change of pace, we also can use the holiday season to incline our hearts and minds toward appreciation. We can intentionally widen our perspective and acknowledge the gift of the people, places, and things in our lives that otherwise, we take for granted.

Doing so doesn’t mean we deny our difficulties or the suffering of those around us. It merely means that we take in what’s also good in our lives.

We can do this by starting small. Whenever I lead a guided mindfulness meditation in gratitude, I ask those participating to consider being grateful for a simple object they use every day – a glass of water, a pencil, or the chair beneath them.

Often when I drink a refreshing glass of water, conveniently and instantly poured from my tap, I consider the 785 million people in the world don’t have access to clean water. Another 2 billion people on the planet don’t have access to a reliable toilet, according to the non-profit Water Aid.

Having such perspective softens my heart and expands my gratitude – even for a holiday season garnished with a bit of melancholy.

 

On My Mind

Gratitude, like any other habit we wish to cultivate, is a practice.

And there’s lots of sound research showing that gratitude is worth practicing. Feeling appreciative reduces anxiety and depression, enhances self-esteem, and even improves sleep. For some, keeping a gratitude journal works. For others, saying a few things they’re grateful for before bed ushers in a sweet slumber.

Often, it helps to have frequent reminders of the power of gratitude. To that end, watch the video below from Brother Steindl-Rast who has devoted his life to teaching others how to be grateful. Also, to learn more about practicing gratitude visit: https://gratefulness.org/explore/

The Power to Care

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Like the unraveling hemline of a beautiful dress, the world seems to be falling apart. Too many things are tearing at the fabric – a global pandemic, wildfires, protests over racial injustice, and political discord.

All of it can make you feel as if you have no control, no personal agency. And that’s a dangerous thing because helplessness courts despair.

Yet, I read something recently, from author Sharon Lebell, that lifted my spirits. And it’s this: “We always have the power to care.”

I often define mindfulness as a set of skills, with caring being one of them. What we pay attention to at any given moment is essential. But so, too, is how we pay attention to it. When we’re mindful, we’re able to attend to ourselves, others, and the world around us with care.

Lebell notes that caring unlocks the meaning within a moment. It also creates meaning in our lives. No matter how bad things get, the power to care gives us purpose. It connects us to something larger than ourselves.

A brief story about caring: A friend of mine volunteers at a homeless shelter: much of her work, which she loves, is organizing the shelter’s supplies – everything from personal protective equipment to maxi pads. After organizing and creating an efficient system, so shelter employees know what and how much they have on hand for the homeless, my friend feels satisfied. Shelter employees feel grateful.

But there’s a hitch. Shelter employees don’t possess my friend’s organizational skills, and for all sorts of reasons, they can’t maintain the system she creates. So, the Groundhog Day process of cleaning up and reorganizing happens over and over again.

My friend continues at this Sisyphean task because she cares and because those at the shelter, even if they can’t duplicate them, value her efforts. If nothing my friend does at the shelter lasts, her act of caring is sustaining.

I’m sure you can find countless examples of such caring in your life, work, and community. I believe it’s what quietly makes the world go round.

Of course, we can care too much. We can overextend. We can become co-dependent and unhealthy in how we relate to others, our work, and our pursuits. It’s good to watch for the telltale signs of unwholesome caring, which invariably involve stress, burnout, anger, and resentment.

But the power to care, when exercised with balance and awareness, is more potent than you’ll likely ever know.

The other morning, my husband read an example of this to me from a college student who posted the following on Reddit.

“My mother passed away last weekend. I emailed my professors to ask for a 24-hr extension. Prof #1 only gave me an extra 12 hours. Prof #2 told me to do the assignments for the week when I could & asked if I wanted to share my favorite memories of her instead. Be like prof #2.”

Even if the world is unraveling at our feet, we can still show we care.

On My Mind

Caring is an act of creativity that aligns inspiration to the heart. And there’s no limit on the ways in which we can express we care. A sweet example of this arose in Oregon recently when a five-year boy named Carver donated a Baby Yoda to keep firefighters company as they battled blazes ravaging the state. Baby Yoda now accompanies firefighters everywhere. Firefighters even have a Facebook group with 20,000 followers https://www.facebook.com/babyyodafightsfires/documenting Baby Yoda’s travels and how the small act of caring from a little boy created goodwill for thousands.

 

The Science of Self Talk

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We’re all familiar with that voice – the one that brays in our ear at daybreak, telling us we’re lazy for not jumping out of bed as soon as the alarm sounds.

It’s the same voice that says we’re incompetent, clumsy, thoughtless – and far worse – for botching a work presentation, breaking a wine glass, or forgetting a nephew’s birthday.

In the echo chamber of our inner critic, there’s very little we get right.

Negative self-talk makes us feel lousy and lowers performance. Not surprisingly, there are plenty of therapeutic approaches, self-help books, and YouTube videos aimed at countering it.

So much so, that standing in front of a mirror and affirming our self-worth ala Stuart Smalley – “I’m good enough. Smart enough and, doggone it, people like me” – has become a classic groaner. (See On My Mind below.)

But long before Stuart Smalley, dating back to the 1800s, psychologists have sought to understand how our internal dialog impacts our thoughts, emotions, and actions. There’s also been a long-standing trend of trying to change how we talk to ourselves for the better.

In the 1920s, French pharmacist and psychologist Emile Coue advocated using autosuggestion and the phrase – “Every day in every way I’m getting better.” – to boost achievement. And since the 1970s, positive self-talk has been a go-to method for boosting athletic performance.

But does positive self-talk work?

The answer isn’t straightforward. Overall, pumping yourself up is better than putting yourself down. But how, when, and what you say to yourself matter. Also, positive self-talk might not be for everyone. Some of us just aren’t that chatty.

“Self-talk needs to feel right for the person using it in a particular situation,” says Judy Van Raalte, a self-talk researcher, and professor of psychology at Springfield College. https://www.cindrakamphoff.com/judy/

If you’re a football player, firing yourself up before a game by shouting “Let’s do this” might prime performance. But it could derail a golfer, who needs library silence to sink a putt.

Positive affirmations also backfire when the person uttering them already has low-self esteem. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02370.x  Telling yourself  “I’m the best” when you believe “I’m not good enough” creates cognitive dissonance and makes you feel worse. So, too, does saying “I’m calm” when you feel a beehive of anxiety buzzing in your belly.

What to do? Reach for reasonable, encouraging statements and experiment with the tone, phrases, and circumstances to determine what works best for you.

Simple, statements such as “You can change;” “You’re capable” and “You’ve got this” might be more convincing to a skeptical brain than grandiose ones professing “You’re a genius.”  Saying “I’m excited” when you feel anxious is a helpful reframe that matches your physiological state. And, during an athletic performance short, instructional phrases such as “breathe” or “focus” inspire while downplaying distraction and mental overload.

Another nuance: When using self-talk in stressful social situations, referring to yourself in the third person might be more effective than using first-person pronouns because it increases self-distancing and regulation, according to researchers at the University of Michigan and the University of California, Berkley.

“Good job, Kelly. This blog’s a little humorless, but it’s still great information.”

I feel better already. But apparently, I’ll have to keep it up. Turning the tide of negative self-talk takes work, with some research showing benefits accrue only after a month of diligent practice. (https://www.amazon.com/Fear-Fuel-Surprising-Purpose-Performance/dp/1538134411)

Changing your inner dialog takes mindfulness, too.

After all, you need to know if you’re chiding yourself for hitting the snooze button before you can tell yourself it’s okay to get a few more winks.

On My Mind

For years, my inner critic carried a bullhorn.And because of that, I’ve long been a fan of saying loving things to myself while looking in the mirror and using compassionate and motivating self-talk throughout my day.

Doing that as well as loving-kindness practice, which is a mindfulness practice that entails repeating loving and kind phrases to yourself, others, and the world around you has muted my rampaging inner critic and opened my heart.

But ever since watching this hilarious and cringe-worthy Stuart Smalley video I make sure I talk to myself in the mirror when no one is around.
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The Home Office Backlash

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At the beginning of the pandemic, there was a lot of giddiness about the wonders of working from home.

Freed from long-commutes, employees stayed in their pajamas and Zoomed with colleagues from their living room sofas. Others decamped from busy cities to more rural settings like Idaho. (I know someone who did that because they no longer had to take in-person meetings in L.A.) Architects began designing homes to accommodate not one, but two or three home workspaces.

 

But as the pandemic grinds into its seventh, eighth, or ninth month (I’ve lost count,) plenty of people who are fortunate enough still to have jobs are longing for their old corporate digs.

 

A screenwriter friend of mine says it’s more challenging to be creative without the fly-by office banter that often sparks new ideas. Another friend who took a new job just as COVID-19 hit says it’s been harder to get to know her new colleagues and learn the subtle politics of a dispersed, virtual office. It’s also lonely.

 

Then, there are the annoying logistical realities of working from home, whether it’s intermittent Internet or your 22-year-old cat caterwauling during a Zoom session because he wants food NOW. Spouses complain, too, when they can’t enter the spare bedroom turned home office to grab a pair of shorts.

 

Companies, such as JP Morgan, are taking a damn the torpedoes approach by bringing employees back into their Manhattan headquarters. A few others are doing the same, noting that the subtleties of working effectively together – such as trust among colleagues – erodes in remote settings.

 

But others, notably Twitter and Facebook, have told employees they can work from home, wherever that is, forever. “Location neutral” will soon become part of job descriptions.

 

All of it amounts to a massive social experiment that has rewritten the rules of the workplace. As with any upheaval, there are challenges and opportunities. There’s also a point of no return.

 

The Economist recently ran a cover story entitled “Office Politics: The Fight Over the Future of Work,” in which a picture of an optional office emerges where corporate workplaces become hubs for employees to meet sporadically.

 

Over my career, I spent time in plenty of offices. Some I dearly miss and others I’m glad I escaped.

 

But of those I miss, I still treasure my former colleagues and the way we came together around a shared mission. I miss bouncing ideas off each other and trying to solve problems together. I miss the inside jokes and occasional hijinks. In one newsroom where I was a reporter, we set up a miniature basketball hoop and held daily competitions, even on deadline, for who could sink a shot from the farthest distance.

 

Looking back, I realize that in a best-case scenario, offices are more like homes. And colleagues are more like family, complete with those we love and those we can barely stand.

 

More than anything, offices are places of belonging. And as virtual offices become a mainstay, creating a vital sense of belonging might be the most pressing challenge companies and their employees face.

Highly Entertaining

I’ve written before about the amazing mental, emotional, and physical health benefits of being outdoors.One reason nature is so incredibly beneficial is because it puts us in touch with the uplifting state of awe. Anyone who’s ever watched the sun go down over the Pacific Ocean or hiked up a trail to take in an inspiring mountain view has likely experienced awe.

But you don’t have to travel far or wait for a solar eclipse to be transported into a sublime state of wonder.

You can simply wander out your backyard and study the architecture of a cobweb or marvel at the intense purple color of a single flower. To learn more about how to find awe in the everyday watch the video below from Iraq war veteran and outdoors educator Stacy Bare.